You've Heard Them All Before...

... But here you go again (thanks Bob, I would have hated to have had to compile all of these all myself) (and if you're tired of the same old, rehashed Utah jokes, maybe you should look into improving your school so that the following "jokes" are no longer true):

How do you get a Utah grad off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.

I was just told that the University of Utah has an honor code; goes something like this:
No, your Honor.
Yes, your Honor.

Q: You are traveling in the desert, and you find six Utah fans buried up to their necks in sand. What is the first thing you need to do?
A: Find more sand.

Q: Why are Utah fans buried 10 feet down when they die, instead of the usual six?
A: Because, deep down, they are good people.

Q: What does a BYU grad say to a U. of U. grad?
A: Will the defendant please rise.

Q: What does a Utah grad say to a BYU grad?
A: Paper or plastic?

What does a Utah grad say on his first day at work?
Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your order?

What's the difference between a U. of U. student and an elephant?
About 20 pounds.
How do you make up the difference?
Force feed the elephant.

Two Utah football players are earning some money by working a construction job installing drywall. One player notices that the other guy is throwing away about half of his nails, and asks him what he’s doing?
"I’m throwing out all the nails that have the head on the wrong end."
"You idiot!" exclaims the first player, "Don't throw those away! Those are perfectly good nails. They will work fine on the opposite wall."

How many Utah football players does it take to eat a possum?
Two. One to eat it and one to watch for traffic.

What do you call a Ute grad with two brain cells?
Pregnant!

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the store.
"But, I'm a Utah graduate," the young man replied indignantly, "I even played football there!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom; I'll show you how."


Did you hear about the Ute who was flying to Alaska?
They had just taken off when the pilot came over the PA and told everyone that they had just lost their #4 engine and would be about and hour late to their destination.
Later, he announced that they had just lost their #2 engine and they would be about 2 hours late to their destination. Still later, he announced that they had lost their #1 engine and they would be about 3 hours late to their destination.
The Ute turned to the person sitting next to him and said, "Man, I hope we don't lose the #3 engine or we will be up here forever."

Coach Wittingham walked into the Utah locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate... What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Uhhhh... four?"
"Four?!" Coach Witt exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players in unison began screaming, "C’mon Coach, give him just one more chance!"

A Ute was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The Ute looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area:
"It's leaving here just fine... the trouble must be at your end!"

Three college buddies go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.
The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from Notre Dame’s Religion Department and I believe in the almighty power of Deity to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and release him.
The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the Stanford University School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side and let him go.
The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a University of Utah Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires."

Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in on the University of Utah campus?
A: The one that reads, "Provo: 45 miles."

Q: What does a typical U. of U. student get on the ACT test?
A: Drool

Q: Why is ice no longer available at University of Utah football games?
A: Because the senior who knew the recipe finally graduated.

Q: What are the three longest years of a Utah football player's life?
A: His freshman year

A guy in the buffet line at the Golden Coral whispers to the guy next to him in line and says, "Wanna hear a Utah joke?"
The guy replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I am a U. of U graduate The guy next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and he is a U. of U. graduate. The guy right next to him is 6'5", 250lbs. and he is a Utah football player. Now, you still wanna tell me that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

Two Utah football players were hootin' and hollerin' while partying on campus when a passing student asked them why they were celebrating. The smart one said that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took two months.
"Two months?!" exclaimed the student.
The Utes proudly replied, "Yeah, and the box said 4 - 6 years!"

A little boy and his mother were walking through Salt Lake City cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read: "Here lies a U. of U. graduate and a good man."
The little boy asked his mother, "Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?"

Salt Lake City News Report: Football practice in Salt Lake City was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Kyle Whittingham, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Two Utah football players are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. He opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second Ute says, "Here, let me see!" He looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

A Utah cheerleader suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She is so upset she buys a gun and goes to his apartment. When she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. She takes the gun out of her purse, but as she does so, she is completely overcome with grief and puts it to her own head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it"
The cheerleader replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

A Ute football player was bragging about his knowledge of state capitals. He proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me; I know all of them."
A friend asks, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The Ute replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

What did the Utah cheerleader say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

Thank you and good night...